Exactly one year ago I was on the bed, in the bedroom, next to Mike, planning our next day while Blessing and Smudge, the two tiny Chihuahua’s 2lb 7oz and 3lb 3oz respectively – both full grown, although they will always be “the puppies” to me, played and took turns loving on their lucky parents.
Last year I was happy and had so much love around me. This year I am drowning in sorrow. I miss my family. Tears are hot rivers from my eyes, down my cheeks. The comforter on my bed is wet is spots below me.
I’m sure there are those oho will question why I am writing a post now – at this moment in time.
The purpose of this blog is to share my grief, truthfully. This is what grief is to me. This is why, this is what is happening. In real time.
By no means is it easy to wrote at this moment in time. But it never is. Every time I write, I am reliving the fire, the fear, the horror and the loss. The realization that everything in my world has flipped upside down and been shaken until nothing at all makes sense in any way – and probably never will.
I still don’t have a home…I still “hang my hat” in a 40′ fifth-wheel trailer, with all the bird cages set up and ready, but I still don’t have my birds back. the horrible thing possessing the store still won’t let me have them back. So my hell continues.
And this night, of all nights, the anniversary of immense loss, I am lost. Tearful. Alone. The cat and two remaining dogs are asleep. I should be…I work in the morning. I didn’t take the day off because I will likely need the distraction. If I were to take the say off, all I would do is cry. For now it’s me, a box of tissues, and for the moment, the computer.
Whether or not I sleep tonight remains to be seen. I wish I had not slept a year ago tonight. I haven’t slept well since. Survivors guilt perhaps…I should have been awake…more aware.
Why didn’t I realize? Why didn’t Mike wake me? Why in the hell did he go back in??
I know why he went back in. That reason is one, amazing, four letter word. Love.
Mike loved the birds, the dogs, and me. Mike went back in for love.
Now that love is lost. I am alone. My family is gone. One year ago tonight was the last night we were together.
R.I.P. Mike, Blessing, Smudge, Josie, Riley, Red Runner, Ku, Rico, Angel, Felix, Jasper, Emmy, Cujo, Dole, Pee Wee, Louise, Bonnie & Clyde, Handsome Stan, Jack, Walter, Blinky, Fabio, Joe, Pogo, Sassy, Deville & Diablo, The new pair of Greys, the new pair of Eclectus, and all the babies.
Loved forever. Forgotten never.
Lost Mama still trying to make it through each day.